Tristan's Lament
by polka-dotted-pengiuns
Summary: Once, a very long time ago, I was a very powerful, very high ranking mage. I got all the girls at the University of Chartak, I was rich, and well, life was good. Except one thing. That one thing was named Arram Draper...' First TP fic, please review?


**Tristan's Lament**

**In Which Tristan Complains in a Horribly Overdramatic Manor, Not Realizing the Hypocritical-ness of it All**

**Disclaimer- Tamora Pierce wrote the books, I am merely torturing her character.**

**Enjoy**

It's not fair really.

Not at all.

I, Tristan Staghorn, did nothing to deserve the woeful situation that I am currently placed in.

Nothing at all.

Sure, I was a bit underhanded and committed an act of high treason against the Crown, but really, isn't Tortall supposed to be above such barbaric solutions to crimes?

One would think so.

Though you, as the reader of this Bitter Memoir, must be highly confused as to why you have found these words scratched in the ground before a tree.

A very handsome tree, might I add.

Well, 'tis a very long tale, but seeing as I, Tristan Staghorn, now have nothing better to do with my time, shall scratch that out for you too. Maybe you could learn from my mistakes. Gods know, I have.

And so I present….

The Bitter Memoirs of Tristan the Tree.

By, Tristan the Tree

Edited by, Tristan the Tree

Endured by, you guessed it, Tristan the tree. Pathetic, no?

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Once, a very long time ago, I was a very powerful, very high ranking mage. I got all the girls at the University of Chartak, I was rich, and well, life was good.

…Except for one thing.

That one thing was named Arram Draper.

Right, now picture the nerdiest bookworm you have ever seen in your entire life. Now add a dash of suck up, a pinch of unwarranted arrogance, good hair (though mine was undeniably better), and serve shaken, not stirred.

Thus, you have Arram Draper.

Now I'm quite sure that you can tell by now, that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.

If you can't, I shall reiterate this fact.

I hate Arram Draper with every fiber of my being.

Got it?

Good. We shall continue.

Now, all was well. He may have been the teacher's favorite, but he had no skill what-so-ever in defensive and combat magic, and well, to put it frankly, I was amazing at it. So I win.

Then poor Arram fell out of grace with his best friend turned emperor and was forced to flee the country, shortly after achieving his black robe.

Can you see the tears I cry?

You can't?

Good, because they're non-existant. That was the happiest day of my life.

Now, enter Lord and Lady Dunlath. Corrupted, conniving, traitors to the crown using immortals to do their dirty work. Nobles who needed a powerful mage.

Just my type of people.

Thus time found me in cahoots with them, and we were doing well, mining black opals illegally and getting rather rich. I myself was having an affair with a rather pretty woman and had her wrapped around my handsome, powerful little finger.

Then Arram, or Numair as he's calling himself now, comes along with his little pet Veralidaine Sarrasri to ruin it all.

I honestly thought the man had better taste in women.

Well, turns out that his "student" Daine, has inordinate amounts of Wild Magic, which until now, I had believed firmly didn't exist. She talked to her little wolf friends and they set traps for hunters and the like.

And we got busted.

Yup, Arram even managed to keep her from getting killed in the process.

So, looking at the information above, you must be able to conclude that there will be a conflict of interest.

And also, looking at the information above, you must be able to conclude that I _should _be able to beat the simple commoner Arram Draper, Bookworm Extraordinaire.

Alas, no.

We did have a conflict of interest, more like conflict of explosions, but I lost. He apparently learned some sort of combat magic and was no longer to use afraid of the words of power.

Before I realized what he was doing, if I had I wouldn't have toyed with him so long, he said the word.

Big explosion.

And I was turned into a tree.

Somewhere now, there is a tree that's walking around as a human whilst I have to sit here and root for the rest of my, now rather pathetic, existance. Photosynthesis is now the highlight of my day.

And as for the icing on the metaphorical cake of life, I'm stuck next to a screwy Maple named Suzanne, who thinks she's an Aspen. We're currently having a forest wide petition to get her uprooted.

"Accidentally" of course.

Why uproot some poor little Maple/Aspen? She keeps trying to play with my leaves. Therefore she must be moved, nobody plays with Tristan Staghorn's leaves.

As for Daine and Arram, they went on their on merry little way, word in the wind is that the girl destroyed Carthack thinking Arram was executed by ex-best friend turned emporer, Arram lived, Ozorne is now a stormwing and his son (who wants to improve life for _everyone, _even slaves) is now in power.

I don't believe a word of it.

And thus ends the Bitter Memoir of Tristan the Tree, Who will at least _outlive_ his childhood nemesis, if nothing else.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to smash a squirrel that is currently ripping my beautiful bark to shreds.

….Suzanne thinks they're cute.

Well Suzanne can kiss my foliage.

**A/N- SNOW DAY!!! Er, I mean ICE DAY!!! Busses can't run with two inches of ice on the roads. Well, I haven't read Wolf Speaker in over a year, so the details are a bit fuzzy and this may be slightly unaccurate, and it's only my first TP fanfic, so I'd like to know how I did. Reviews warm me like hot coco... which I need in 18 degree weather : )  
**

**It stormed Monday, was almost 70 degrees Tuesday, iced Wednsday, and now we're expecting 8 in. of snow. "If you don't like the weather in Kansas, wait a minuet." **


End file.
